Relationships are complicated at times. Successful marriages require hard work and dedication. When one or both partners is unwilling to put in the necessary effort, the marriage may become toxic.
A toxic marriage might start great and slowly worsen over time. This may make it difficult to determine when the relationship takes a turn. Further, relationships that are obviously toxic when observed from the outside may seem normal and loving to the partners living through them.
If you wonder whether you’re in a toxic marriage, you may be at risk of being in one. Learn what toxic marriage signs to watch for and, if your relationship is harmful, some actions you may wish to take.
Signs you might be in a toxic marriage
In a toxic marriage, there’s an ongoing physical or emotional issue that doesn’t seem to get better. These relationships often leave one or both partners feeling neglected, demeaned, attacked, unsupported or fearful on a regular basis.
Although there aren’t any clearly defined lines dictating what a toxic marriage looks like, below are warning signs to look out for.
Your partner emotionally abuses you
Any level of emotional abuse is a red flag that you may be in a toxic marriage. Signs of emotional abuse include but aren’t limited to:
- Humiliation
- Neglect
- Constant accusations
- Guilt-tripping
- Constant criticism
- Dismissiveness
- Stalking
- Yelling
- Ridicule
- Shaming
- Constant blame
Emotional abuse may be one-sided, or both partners may engage in it.
Your partner physically abuses you
Hitting, choking, restraining, throwing objects at someone or any other physically damaging behavior is a red flag. Some partners rationalize and attempt to justify incidents of physical abuse, but any intentionally harmful act is unacceptable. This situation can be particularly concerning when both partners engage in the behavior. Help is available if you’re experiencing relationship abuse of any kind.
You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner
If you find yourself dreading your partner coming home or if they’re so quick to anger that you feel the need to watch what you say or do around them, you might be in a toxic relationship.
Your partner constantly guilt-trips you
Any behavior intended to make you feel guilty over relatively minor issues is unhealthy. A toxic partner might:
- Repeatedly bring up old problems.
- Blow issues out of proportion.
- Deflect and blame you for behaviors under their control.
- Use scorekeeping, where emotional support and signs of affection feel transactional. For example, your partner only provides affection when you do something special for them.
Your partner tries to control you
Many times, controlling behavior is a sign of a toxic marriage. When partners don’t trust each other, they sometimes try to control each other instead. Dictating where you can go and when you can be there is a typical example of controlling behavior. Other signs include keeping constant tabs on you, emotionally manipulating you and lying.
Your partner sabotages your relationships
One of the most effective methods of controlling someone is isolating them. So toxic partners often try to sabotage their spouse’s relationships with others. Whether your partner tries to pry you away from close friends, family or both, sabotaging relationships is toxic.
Your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries
Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship. When we set boundaries, it’s essential that others—especially those closest to us—respect them. A partner’s refusal to accept or respect the limits you set may be indicative of a toxic marriage.
Your partner doesn’t respect your opinions
A good partner respects and considers their spouse’s opinions. We’re all human and might tersely reject people’s opinions from time to time. But the relationship may be toxic when this behavior becomes constant and one partner never considers the other’s opinions.
Your partner violates your privacy
Having privacy is an essential aspect of maintaining your mental health. Tracking your location, snooping on your phone or computer and denying you access to private spaces may all be signs of a toxic partner.
Your partner always seems critical
Some criticism is valid and healthy. Being constantly bombarded with criticism over mundane issues isn’t. If your spouse continually criticizes and never praises you, you might be in a toxic marriage.
You feel depressed
People who are in a toxic marriage often end up depressed. At the same time, depression can be indicative of many underlying problems. So if you notice signs of depression—such as hopelessness, loss of interest in activities you enjoy or changes in your sleep—work to determine what’s causing this feeling. (It may help to speak with a mental health professional.) The answer could be a toxic partnership.
You want to cheat on your partner
The desire to cheat may be a symptom of a stale—but not necessarily toxic—marriage. If you feel the urge to cheat, assessing the desire and further understanding it might be helpful. Sometimes the underlying cause is a marriage that’s becoming toxic.
You and your partner have no intimacy
Everyone has different intimacy and sexual satisfaction needs. Meeting these is key for a healthy marriage. If there’s a disconnect between you and your partner regarding intimacy, it may be helpful to confront it. If they’re dismissive, your relationship might be struggling.
You or your partner constantly feel jealous
Jealousy is a natural instinct. Overbearing and constant jealousy may fester in a relationship and potentially turn it toxic.
You and your partner lie to each other
In a toxic marriage, both spouses often lie. If you feel the need to constantly lie so you can avoid criticism, it’s a sign that your partner might be toxic. On the other hand, if you lie to keep your spouse in the dark about financial issues or inappropriate relationships, you might be contributing to a toxic relationship.
Can a toxic relationship become healthy?
In almost all cases, fixing a toxic marriage requires both partners to be dedicated to the relationship and willing to work to fix it. If one partner is dismissive or otherwise unreceptive, the marriage might be impossible to heal. Discussing the issues in your marriage openly and honestly is often the first step. Marriage counseling may also be helpful. Ultimately, both parties must take responsibility to heal a toxic relationship.
How to get out of a bad marriage
Ending a toxic marriage might be difficult, but it’s also achievable. The first step is creating a plan to divorce your toxic partner.
Your plan might consider safety and financial concerns such as strategies to quickly escape dangerous situations and deciding where you’ll live during the split. It might also include ways to protect your children from negative consequences and abuse at the hand of your partner
Many people seek professional help at the beginning stages of ending a toxic marriage. Therapists can help you think through the problems and develop effective strategies to handle the emotional stress. An attorney can work with you to protect your rights and safety throughout the separation process. They can also walk you through the steps to officially end your marriage.
When to speak with an attorney
People who wish to get out of a toxic marriage often find an experienced divorce attorney to be helpful. A lawyer can help plan your separation and point you toward helpful resources throughout the divorce process. They will handle the legal formalities so you can focus on keeping you and any children safe. Lastly, an attorney can help with child custody, division of assets, alimony, child support and any other legal problems that may arise.
Sofie is a writer. She lives in Brooklyn.
