How do you decide when it’s time for a divorce? It’s a question that yields over 300 million Google results–but the fact is: there’s no definitive answer. 

Every relationship is different–what one couple views as a solvable issue could be a dealbreaker to another. That’s why it can be especially difficult to decide how to move forward when you find yourself feeling like something’s off in your marriage. We wanted to better understand how long people wait, and why, so we asked.

In our survey of over 200 respondents, over 55% of people reported that they wanted a divorce for a year or longer before they started the process.  

To break that down further:

• 19.2% of people waited only a few months before pursuing action
• 12.8 % of people waited a year
• 23.7% of people waited over a year
• 18.4% of people waited several years

Divorce is a serious decision, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. At the same time, studies show that nearly 70% of people report no regret when it comes to their divorce.

If you’re considering divorce and not sure how long is long enough, here are a few things to examine. 

Signs it might be time to seriously consider divorce

1) You want different things

In some situations, a couple may get so lost in the excitement of spending forever together that they forget to discuss what forever looks like. In other cases, people change, and what they want out of life changes with them. 

If you’ve known for your whole life that you want children, and your partner decides it’s not in the cards for them, we know it may be painful–but it’s probably in your best interest to part ways, instead of spending time convincing them to want what you want. Even if you succeed, it may lead to a relationship imbalance and resentment (more on that below) down the road. 

2) You feel resentful

In certain cases, feelings of disinterest in your partner can go even farther–and lead to downright resentment. If you find yourself prickling at every little thing your partner does, that may be a sign of something deeper beneath the surface. 

Sometimes, it can run even deeper. No matter the cause, though, the feeling is undeniable–and if you find yourself annoyed at the mere fact of your partner’s presence, it may be the sign of a deeper issue. 

3) You’re only staying together “for your kids”

While it’s a noble concept to put on a united front for the sake of your children, sometimes, it can do more damage than deciding to get divorce might. 

Children can be extremely perceptive, and it’s highly likely that they’ll be able to pick up on the fact that something is “off,” even if you don’t take the concrete step of separating your lives and filing for divorce. 

Because of a child’s ability to perceive when something feels wrong, by staying together when you shouldn’t, according to Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist David Schwartz, you may be inadvertently modeling unhealthy behavior for your children. As Schwartz notes, it’s probably better for a child to be in a home with one happy parent than with two who are both unhappy.  

4) Your partner is abusive or demeaning

First of all, if you’re in immediate danger, call 911. 

If you’re not in immediate danger, but you or your children are experiencing domestic abuse, find a safe time and space to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) as soon as you can. We understand how deeply traumatizing and difficult this can be, and we’re thinking of you. 

We also understand how unsafe abusive partners can make you feel when they find out you’re getting help. Many pro bono programs offer legal assistance for people in abusive situations, so if you feel comfortable reaching out, that’s the path we’d recommend. 

And if your partner isn’t physically abusive, but frequently mocks you, demeans you or makes you feel inadequate, that often means it may be time to move on. Because, while every couple has different limits, feeling safe and being treated well are never too much to ask.

5) You’re not interested in your partner anymore 

Before you roll your eyes and thank us for stating the obvious, it’s important to note that a lack of interest can show up in a relationship in subtle ways, before you even realize it’s happening. That’s not to say that listening to your partner excitedly tell a story you happen to find boring is cause for ending your entire relationship, but it is a reminder to stay alert. 

Relationships ebb and flow, but if you frequently find yourself checking out during conversations with your partner, take a minute to ask yourself why this might be happening. It may be a reason entirely unrelated to your relationship (work stress, lots going on with your kids, an issue with a family or friend that has you distracted), but it’s worth examining. 

No matter how you come to it, divorce can be tough, but it can help to keep in mind what we mentioned earlier: most people don’t regret it. If you’re considering a divorce, know that you’re not alone.