Movies often portray divorce as contentious, with heated arguments that can sometimes result in broken furniture. In reality, although ending a marriage may not be pleasant, it can be a cordial process. Some people even find that their lives and their relationships with their former spouses improve immensely after their divorce.
While this kind of rapport might seem like a dream from where you currently sit, an amicable divorce may be possible for you. It depends heavily upon how well you create and nurture the conditions for peace throughout the divorce process. Here’s some guidance on how to have an amicable divorce.
What does amicable divorce mean?
An amicable divorce is one where the parties cooperate during and after the divorce.
Most amicable divorces are uncontested, meaning that both spouses agree on the terms of their divorce, often including child custody, alimony and property division. Rather than having a judge outline these terms, the couple works jointly to craft a separation agreement or divorce settlement (different states use different terms).
There are a few ways that couples can do this:
- They can work through the agreements completely on their own.
- They can engage the services of a mediator or arbitrator to help them resolve any differences.
- The spouses can hire separate lawyers to undertake a collaborative divorce process.
Once negotiations are complete, in most states, couples must file the finished agreement for a court to approve and finalize.
How to tell your spouse you want a divorce
Nobody can predict how a divorce will go. However, a good way to try to lay the groundwork for an amicable divorce is to bring up the topic of divorce in a thoughtful and respectful way. Consider the following tips.
1. Prepare for a tough conversation
The word “divorce” can’t be unsaid or taken back. Be certain you’re ready to engage in a full, likely challenging, conversation before you approach your spouse.
Considering how your spouse has historically reacted to hard conversations about your relationship may help you gauge how they’ll react when you bring up divorce. For example, suppose your partner has refused to discuss the topic at all in the past. They may be completely unaware of how you see the state of your relationship and may be taken off guard.
In that case, you may consider talking with a therapist, counselor or trusted clergy member. Depending upon their expertise, this person may be able to ask you key questions and role-play the divorce discussion with you. And that may prepare you to diffuse conflict and anticipate any hot-button issues.
2. Leave grudges in the past
One of the most important ways to lay the ground for a peaceful divorce conversation is to leave grudges in the past. Keep the discussion focused on the divorce and the future.
If you desire to get some feelings off your chest, some psychologists recommend writing a “spew letter” of all your negative feelings prior to the conversation with your spouse. By purging yourself of this negative emotional energy, you may be able to clear your head and keep your focus on the task at hand.
3. Get ready for objections and arguments
If your request for a divorce truly blindsides your spouse, they may pepper you with objections and arguments against a split. This may include, but isn’t limited to:
- Did you even think about the children?
- I’ll take you for everything you own
- I’m keeping the house
- You’ll never see the dogs again
- You won’t be able to support yourself without me
- You don’t want to do this; you need me too much
- You would be nothing without me
Think through your spouse’s potential arguments and practice calm responses before you begin the discussion. Keeping the conversation under control may help keep the peace in the long run.
4. Choose a neutral time and place for the discussion
While there’s never a perfect place or time to tell your spouse that you would like a divorce, some situations to avoid include:
- Immediately following a personal or professional setback or tragedy
- When children are present, especially minor children
- A crowded public place (like a busy cafe or on public transportation)
Avoiding conflict may also mean using common sense and not discussing this sensitive topic in situations where your spouse could feel shamed, cornered or humiliated.
Recommended times and locations for a neutral, confidential discussion about divorce include:
- A quiet place at home when the two of you are alone
- While dining in a quiet, familiar restaurant
- During an appointment in the privacy of a counselor’s or clergy member’s office
- Anytime, anywhere the two of you are comfortable together and can be uninterrupted
5. Listen to your spouse’s side of the story
Not every spouse will object to or argue about a potential divorce. Some wish to share their version of events or ask questions. Others want to discuss counseling or ways to try to save the marriage.
Give your partner an opportunity to talk and be heard—you may even learn something. There’s no rule that you must agree with them. However, listening goes a long way toward building goodwill and keeping the peace in your divorce process.
6. Keep the conversation on track
If your partner grows emotional or angry, you may become distracted from your goal of moving forward with a peaceful divorce. It’s important to stay calm and see the conversation through.
Some things that may help you keep the conversation on track include:
- Agree to conversation boundaries at the outset: Some examples of boundaries include allowing each person to speak without interruption, permitting each partner to walk away from the discussion if it becomes too overwhelming and agreeing not to yell or scream even if one of you becomes upset.
- Know when to compromise: Your spouse may have requests that sound unfair or unappealing; however, successful divorces often require compromises.
- Be extremely direct about your wants and needs: Clearly explain why you want to end the marriage.
- Understand the consequences of what divorcing your spouse means: Some people think divorce is a simple matter of filing a few papers and moving on with their lives. In reality, it can take months or years and be expensive and invasive.
7. Address formal legal arrangements in emotionally neutral circumstances
Because you’ve spent so much time preparing for this important conversation, you may want to discuss things like child custody and division of property immediately. Your partner, on the other hand, may have heard for the first time that divorce is imminent and may need a few hours or days to process this news. They may be unable to talk about splitting possessions and time with their children. Giving them time to gather their thoughts may benefit you both in the long run.
8. Be open-minded about the future
Once you share your thoughts about divorce with your spouse, remain open-minded about what may come next. Big life transitions like divorce can be surprising. When they’re amicable and peaceful, it makes it a bit easier for everyone involved.
9. Consider seeking professional assistance
If you and your spouse can work together, you may be able to avoid the litigation process. However, you may still wish to work with a lawyer or mediator. They can help streamline your thinking and expedite putting agreements to paper. They can also help you determine what you wish to prioritize and what you’re OK compromising on.
A lawyer or other trusted advisor may make an amicable divorce more achievable by guiding you through any frustrations during the process. Having a person in your corner may prevent you from taking your anger out on your spouse and help keep your divorce running peacefully on track.
Sofie is a writer. She lives in Brooklyn.
