If you’re considering a divorce but aren’t sure it’s the right thing, you may have heard about trial separations.
Some people believe trial separations are simply a way to draw out the divorce process, making things harder for everyone involved. And oft-cited trial separation statistics estimate anywhere from 80 to 87 percent of trial separations end with divorce. But trial separations offer benefits for many couples, helping them evaluate their relationship while leaving their marriage intact.
The choice is yours, and this guide aims to help you think things through. It explains what a trial separation is, the pros and cons and how to set trial separation rules.
What is a trial separation?
A trial separation is an agreement between a married couple to live their lives separately without officially ending the relationship. Trial separations may be informal, with no clear rules or expectations, or backed by a legally enforceable separation agreement. A trial separation is only a “trial” if, after a period of time, the couple decides whether to reconcile or make the separation permanent.
The pros of trial separations
A trial separation doesn’t need to lead to reconciliation to be successful. Below are some ways couples may benefit from a trial separation, whether or not they get back together.
Clarity
Sometimes distance allows you to reframe your perspective and realize the problems you have are solvable. Other times distance provides clarity that things are worse than you realized and divorce is the best outcome for you.
Separating may also inspire partners to explore who they are alone. You may discover you’ve been overly reliant on your partner or that you can do things alone that you thought you couldn’t do.
Less pressure
If you allow yourself and your partner to entertain the idea of ending the relationship, you may find your mindset and attitude softening. Instead of staying together because you have to, you may choose to stay together—or split up—because you want to.
Incentivized change
Separating may interrupt negative habits you built during the relationship, helping you identify and address those habits. Or separating may help you realize that your partner was enabling your bad habits and you need a clean break to take care of yourself.
Separation may also help you understand the gravity of the issues in the relationship. Knowing that the relationship may end if you don’t work on yourself as an individual may spur you to take action.
A safety net
Pursuing trial separation before officially ending your relationship provides the comfort of a safety net—you can go back to your marriage if you decide divorce isn’t for you. Even if you expect your separation to end in divorce, starting with a smaller step may help people who struggle to make that decision know it’s the right one.
The cons of trial separation
On the other hand, trial separation isn’t easy, even when it’s worthwhile. Trial separations may come with several cons, such as the following.
Ambiguity
Ambiguity often is an inherent part of trial separations. You may be uncertain how to act around your partner, what you should and shouldn’t be doing, and when and how the separation should end. You may minimize some ambiguity if you use a legal separation agreement.
Differing expectations
It’s not uncommon for partners to go into trial separations with different expectations and opinions on the possibility of reconciliation. You may be thinking of the separation as a step to make divorce feel more manageable while your spouse may earnestly believe you might work it out. If one spouse has no intention of reconciling, a clean break might be easier.
Inability to move on
Being separated places you in a holding pattern. You may feel unsure of how to move forward when you don’t know what your life will look like in the future.
Prolonged stress
Ambiguity, mismatched expectations and the feeling of being stuck in place can add up to increased stress. In turn, separation can negatively affect health and well-being—sometimes more than divorce can.
Setting trial separation rules
A smooth trial separation often starts by establishing clear rules and boundaries. Writing an agreement with your spouse can keep both of you focused on your separation goals. It may be tempting to use a trial separation agreement template, but the best agreements are carefully tailored to the specific couple.
As you think through the terms of your separation, there are legal issues to address to ensure your financial needs and the needs of your children are taken care of. There are also a number of practical things to consider to help your trial separation go smoothly.
Legal issues
Separation agreements often cover:
- Child custody and visitation
- Maintenance and spousal support
- Property division
Each state has its own laws related to marriage and separation, so you may want to consult a family lawyer familiar with your state’s laws as you work through this. If you intend to modify either partner’s rights with respect to children, spousal support or property, you’ll likely need to get a legal separation agreement to protect your legal interests.
Practical issues
Practical issues may be as important as legal issues when it comes to getting the most out of a trial separation. For example, living apart typically helps you get the space you need to make the separation most effective. However, a trial separation in the same house may work for some, especially when practical concerns like children or finances are involved.
Consider questions like:
- What are you hoping to get out of this separation?
- How will you manage finances?
- Where will each partner live?
- How will you divide shared responsibilities?
- What will you tell others?
- Do you have a deadline to make a decision, and what is it?
- Will you attend therapy or counseling together during the separation?
- Will you date other people?
- How often will you see each other and in what context?
- What personal, romantic or intimate boundaries do you need?
- What boundaries should you set around one partner entering the other partner’s separate space?
- How will you adjust if you need to change the rules you initially agreed to?
Trial separation checklist
Trial separation checklist
It may help you prepare for your trial separation if you have a practical checklist. Consider talking to your partner about how you will handle:
Child custody
Child support
Spousal maintenance
Property division
Finances
Living arrangements
Shared responsibilities
The narrative about your relationship
A decision deadline
Couples counseling
Dating other people
Contact with your partner
Romantic and intimate boundaries
Personal and spatial boundaries
Necessary or desired updates to the separation agreement
How a lawyer may help
Only you can decide whether a trial separation is right for you. It may provide needed clarity, allowing you to move forward with confidence, or drag out the unpleasant aspects of separating, leaving you unsure of where you stand.
Talking to an experienced family lawyer who knows your state laws may make deciding whether to pursue a trial separation easier. An attorney may help you understand your legal options, including the availability of legal separation. A lawyer may also draft your separation agreement and ensure it addresses what it should. And they’ll help you understand the consequences of whatever decision you make.
