Many people, at some point in a relationship, wonder if their partner is cheating. Any number of things may raise your suspicions. Maybe they become very quiet when you walk in on them having a phone call. Maybe you hear about inside jokes they have with a colleague. Whatever the circumstances, you may begin to feel uncertain.
Although that’s understandable, on their own, no one incident is foolproof evidence that your partner is cheating. Most possible signs that your spouse is cheating are innocent behaviors. (They were on the phone planning a surprise party, and the colleague is also married and just friends with your spouse.)
The thing to be aware of is a pattern. In most cases, unfaithful spouses repeatedly engage in many suspicious behaviors. To help you out, let’s discuss 15 signs your spouse might be cheating and what to do if you suspect they’re being unfaithful.
Key takeaways
- Look for patterns, not isolated moments: One suspicious behavior on its own might not mean anything. But if your spouse is showing multiple signs, it may be time to pay attention.
- Sudden changes are more concerning than gradual ones: A noticeable shift in affection, routines, or secrecy may be worth investigating.
- Trust your gut and outside observations: If something feels off to you, and the people close to you are raising concerns too, don’t ignore it.
- Cheating can impact divorce, but laws vary by state: In some states, adultery affects things like alimony or property division. In others, it may not matter legally. Speaking with a lawyer can help you understand what applies in your situation.
Signs that your spouse might be cheating
If your spouse displays any of these potential red flags, it’s worth investigating further.
1. Sudden changes in your spouse’s emotional intimacy
If your spouse suddenly becomes distant, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable, it could be more than just stress. On the flip side, over-the-top affection or guilt-driven attention can also be cause for suspicion.
What this might look like:
- They stop confiding in you or showing interest in your day.
- Conversations feel surface-level or forced.
- They start showering you with unexpected affection that feels performative.
What you can do:
Start by calmly asking about the change. Keep the tone open and curious rather than confrontational. If they shut down or deflect, take note and consider whether this is part of a larger pattern.
2. Sudden changes in your spouse’s physical intimacy
A major shift in physical affection can signal something deeper. Some spouses avoid intimacy altogether, while others act unusually eager, especially when feeling guilty.
Watch for:
- A sudden disinterest in sex or physical closeness.
- An unexpected uptick in sexual behavior that feels disconnected.
- New preferences or behaviors in bed that weren’t part of your routine.
What you can do:
Gently bring up your observations. If they respond with blame, silence, or defensiveness, consider whether other signs are present.
3. Your spouse’s friends act strangely around you
Sometimes, the people around your spouse know more than they let on. Friends may feel awkward, avoidant, or visibly uncomfortable in your presence if they’re hiding something.
Common signs:
- Friends are less talkative or avoid eye contact.
- Social invitations become less frequent.
- They avoid conversations about your spouse or relationship.
What you can do:
If you’re close with one of their friends, consider reaching out and asking directly (but carefully) if everything is okay. Gauge their reaction and tone, it may reveal more than their words.
4. Your spouse has sudden or irregular changes in their schedule
An affair often requires time away. If your spouse starts working late, traveling more, or creating vague commitments out of nowhere, take note.
Red flags:
- “Work” meetings at odd hours.
- New hobbies that don’t seem to add up.
- Inconsistent or changing explanations.
What you can do:
Ask questions calmly. If their stories don’t line up, or they avoid details, that’s a reason to look deeper. Keep track of patterns, not just isolated incidents.
5. Your spouse is impossible to reach at odd times
Disappearing acts, especially during off-hours or weekends, can be suspicious. If your spouse goes silent when they used to be responsive, pay attention.
You might notice:
- Their phone goes straight to voicemail.
- Texts go unanswered for hours or days.
- Their reasons don’t quite add up.
What you can do:
Rather than accusing, frame your concern around safety. Say something like, “I was worried when I couldn’t reach you.” Their reaction may tell you what you need to know.
6. Your spouse is more conscious of their appearance
If your spouse suddenly invests in new clothes, grooming routines, or fitness, especially when it’s out of character, they might be trying to impress someone else.
Signs to watch:
- New wardrobe without a clear reason.
- Changes in grooming habits or fragrances.
- Hitting the gym more frequently without mentioning it.
What you can do:
You might say, “You’ve made a lot of changes lately. What’s inspiring the new look?” Their answer can help you assess if this is about self-improvement or something more.
7. Your spouse acts overly secretive with their phone or computer
Most people value a bit of privacy. But if your spouse starts guarding their phone like a state secret, it could be a red flag.
Look out for:
- New passwords or locked devices.
- Calls that stop when you walk into the room.
- Over-the-top reactions if you touch their phone.
What you can do:
Don’t try to snoop; it can backfire. Instead, ask directly about the change. You’re entitled to transparency in a trusting relationship.
8. Sudden, unexplained expenses
Affairs often leave a money trail. If you start seeing odd transactions or cash withdrawals, they may be spending on someone else.
Warning signs:
- Unknown charges for restaurants, hotels, or gifts.
- Secretive behavior around bank statements or receipts.
- Cash withdrawals without explanation.
What you can do:
Review shared accounts and calmly bring up discrepancies. If they dismiss or deflect without a solid reason, you may want to track expenses more closely moving forward.
9. Your spouse acts more hostile than usual
If your spouse starts snapping at you for no reason, becomes easily frustrated, or seems overly critical, it might stem from internal guilt or emotional detachment.
Possible signs:
- Arguments that escalate quickly.
- Passive-aggressive comments or sarcasm.
- General coldness without any specific trigger.
What you can do:
Try not to match their mood. Instead, ask open-ended questions: “You seem upset lately. Is something going on?” A partner who’s hiding something may get defensive or shut down.
10. Your spouse exhibits overly defensive behavior
A cheating spouse might become hypersensitive, especially if they fear being exposed. They may overreact to simple questions or twist them into accusations.
Watch for:
- Responses like “Why are you always accusing me?”
- Shifting blame to you unexpectedly.
- Refusing to answer basic questions calmly.
What you can do:
Document your observations and stay level-headed. The more defensive they get over small things, the more important it is to look at the bigger picture.
11. Your spouse gives evasive answers to straightforward questions
People having affairs often rely on half-truths or vague language to cover their tracks. If your spouse can’t give you a straight answer, that’s a red flag.
You might hear:
- “I don’t remember” in response to simple questions.
- Avoiding specifics about where they were or who they were with.
- Changing their story over time.
What you can do:
Repeat your question a few days later and see if the answer stays consistent. If not, start keeping notes. These inconsistencies could help you see a larger pattern.
12. You catch your spouse in outright lies
Lying is often part of a cheating spouse’s routine. You might notice inconsistencies in their stories or even catch them in flat-out lies.
Examples include:
- Saying they were at work when they weren’t.
- Claiming to be with a friend who says otherwise.
- Changing details of their story later.
What you can do:
Stay calm and avoid jumping to conclusions. Ask for clarification. If their explanations keep shifting, that’s something to take seriously—especially when combined with other signs.
13. Your spouse avoids you
Physical or emotional avoidance can be an attempt to escape guilt, confrontation, or even comparison to someone else they’re involved with.
Behavioral signs:
- Going to bed at different times.
- Spending more time “out” than usual.
- Withdrawing from shared routines or conversations.
What you can do:
Try to re-engage them in small ways. If they continue to pull away without explanation, it may be time to have an honest discussion or seek outside support.
14. Friends are suspicious
Sometimes, those around you spot trouble before you do. If trusted friends or family raise concerns, don’t dismiss them.
You might hear:
- “Is everything okay between you two?”
- “They’ve been acting strange lately.”
- Subtle hints that something feels off.
What you can do:
Talk privately with someone you trust. Don’t rely on one person’s opinion, but it’s worth investigating further if several people have noticed things.
15. You feel something’s off
Sometimes your gut knows what your mind isn’t ready to admit. If you feel uneasy, disconnected, or can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right, take it seriously.
Signs you’re sensing something deeper:
- A lingering discomfort you can’t explain.
- Feeling like they’re hiding something even without proof.
- Constant second-guessing or anxiety around your relationship.
What you can do:
Trust your instincts. You don’t need concrete proof to start asking questions or setting boundaries. Keep a journal of concerning behavior and consider talking to a therapist or legal advisor if the feelings persist.
What to do if your spouse is cheating
Suspecting that your spouse is being unfaithful can leave you feeling confused, hurt, or even frozen. If you’re in this position, here’s how you can start to move forward:
- Think about what you really want. No one else gets to decide whether you should stay in the relationship or leave. That choice belongs to you.
- Pause and take a breath. It’s completely normal to feel a flood of emotions. Give yourself space to think before jumping to any conclusions or actions.
- Notice the patterns. Keep track of what’s been making you uneasy. Jotting down dates, conversations, or shifts in behavior can help you stay grounded, and may be useful later if legal questions come up
- Avoid confronting them immediately. If you don’t have clear evidence, a confrontation can make things worse or push your spouse to cover their tracks more carefully.
- Talk to someone you trust. This might be a close friend, a family member, or a therapist. You don’t have to go through this alone.
- Consider counseling. Speaking to a professional can bring clarity if you’re thinking about working things out or just needing help sorting your thoughts.
- Start protecting yourself. Quietly gather important documents, such as financial statements, shared account information, or property records, just in case you need them later.
How adultery affects divorce proceedings
Many people feel that cheating husbands and wives deserve less from the divorce process than their faithful spouses. But whether adultery affects divorce depends on the state where the divorce takes place.
In some states, the only option for filing a divorce is one that doesn’t take the fault of either party into account. In these states, adultery has little or no effect on the court’s decisions and how marital property is divided. There are exceptions, however, such as if the cheating spouse spent shared savings on their affair.
Other states grant fault divorces if one spouse can prove that the other engaged in activities that led to the end of the marriage. Cheating is one of these activities.
Infidelity may also affect property division and alimony payments, depending on the state.
How an attorney can help
If you’re facing infidelity in your marriage and considering divorce, a family law attorney can be more than just legal support. They can be a steady guide through a difficult time.
An experienced attorney can help you:
- Understand your rights, especially in states where adultery may affect divorce outcomes.
- Protect your financial interests, including marital assets or shared accounts that may have been impacted by your spouse’s affair.
- Navigate tough conversations around child custody and support, ensuring your child’s best interests are prioritized.
- File the right paperwork, meet deadlines, and avoid common pitfalls that can make a tough situation even harder.
Whether you’re still weighing your options or ready to move forward, a consultation with a divorce lawyer can bring clarity to a very emotional situation.
