If you’re contemplating divorce, you may be hopeful that you can complete the process as peacefully and fairly as possible. You want to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they’ll behave maturely and reasonably.
Unfortunately, divorce can bring out the worst in some people, with some resorting to manipulative or sneaky divorce tactics to gain the upper hand. Being aware of the dirty divorce tricks that your spouse may use against you may limit the potency of these ploys. And knowing how to respond effectively may further disarm your spouse while giving you a little peace.
Here’s your guide to common sneaky divorce tactics and how to handle them.
Trick #1: Hiding assets
During a divorce, sometimes a spouse might have “disappearing assets”. They conceal their financial resources to prevent them from being divided. Common examples involve:
- Moving money into secret accounts
- Purchasing expensive items to resell after the divorce
- Temporarily transferring assets to friends or family
- “Losing” high-value items in mysterious accidents
Uncovering hidden assets may require the assistance of a forensic accountant or experienced attorney.
Trick #2: Parental alienation
Parental alienation occurs when one spouse tries to turn their child against the other parent. There are many ways the instigating spouse may try to manipulate the child. Maybe they constantly disparage you and exaggerate your faults to your child. Or perhaps they lie about your actions to make you seem uncaring or abusive.
Parental alienation can be profoundly damaging to children’s psychological and emotional health. If you can prove that your spouse is alienating your children from you, the judge will take that into account in deciding the appropriate custody and parent-time arrangement.
Trick #3: False accusations
Bitter or desperate people may make false accusations against their spouse to gain the upper hand in a divorce. These accusations generally involve things like:
- Domestic violence
- Child abuse
- Substance abuse
- Psychological instability
- Risk-taking behavior
False accusations often torpedo any remaining goodwill between spouses. They may also create a hostile and traumatic environment. However, if you’re able to prove your spouse is knowingly making false allegations, they may face consequences for their lies.
Trick #4: Dragging out the process
A manipulative spouse may intentionally prolong the divorce process to exhaust the other spouse emotionally and financially. This could involve unnecessary legal disputes, refusing to cooperate or consistently delaying proceedings with flimsy excuses.
The objective of this tactic is often to push the other party into agreeing to unfair terms out of fatigue or financial desperation. Alternatively, the bad actor may drag out the process because of sheer spite.
Trick #5: Creating a financial strain
Many manipulative and controlling spouses may strike at their partners’ financial welfare to gain power over them. Examples of this tactic include cutting off access to joint bank accounts, refusing to pay shared bills or suddenly increasing expenses. In extreme cases, the bad actor may use “scorched earth” tactics by damaging or destroying joint assets. Whatever the exact situation, these tactics attempt to use financial anxiety to compel the other party into submitting.
Trick #6: Manipulating emotions
Emotional manipulation is often a common tactic in high-conflict divorces. Devious spouses may unleash all kinds of negative emotions on their victims. A few examples include:
- Guilt-tripping
- Fear-mongering
- Gaslighting
- Playing the victim
Emotional manipulation can be subtle or blatant and can have a significant impact on the victim’s mental health and ability to make decisions. Divorce is hard enough on your emotions without your spouse playing mind games.
Trick #7: Spying or invasion of privacy
During a divorce, some people may resort to spying or invading the other spouse’s privacy to gain information to use against them. This could involve tracking movements, accessing personal messages or installing spyware on personal devices. Invasion of privacy is not only wrong from an ethical perspective, it may also have legal repercussions depending on your jurisdiction.
Trick #8: Changing the status quo
A divorcing spouse may attempt to change the status quo to create a new norm that favors them. Alternatively, changing the status quo may be used to wear down the other spouse. In either case, common status quo changes may include:
- Making substantial changes to financial habits
- Moving to a different residence out of state
- Suddenly moving children to a new school without the other parent’s agreement
- Shifts to child custody routines
Trick #9: Using legal procedures as a weapon
Another way spouses harass their partner is through the abuse of legal procedures. Although similar to trick #4, this strategy doesn’t necessarily aim to slow legal proceedings down. Instead, it attempts to aggressively misuse the legal system to hurt the other spouse.
If you’re facing this tactic, you may expect things like endless unnecessary motions, requests for information and petty disputes. In some situations, your spouse might be able to convince their attorney to support this terrible behavior to force you to settle. In any event, this tactic is costly, time-consuming and wastes everyone’s time.
Trick #10: Requesting visitation time to lessen child support payments
Some people don’t hesitate to use their own children to gain an advantage. One example of this theme occurs when a spouse requests more visitation time with the child than they really want. They may claim that they value their relationship with the children. Yet in reality, they’re trying to gain more visitation time so that they can save money on child support payments. When they have the child, they may hand them off to family or friends instead of spending time with them.
What can I do to counter these tactics?
Knowing how to respond to these underhanded tactics may help you maintain control throughout your divorce proceedings. Consider the following.
- Hire an experienced attorney: It may be prudent to consider involving legal counsel. An experienced divorce lawyer can help uncover hidden assets, combat false allegations and ensure that your rights are protected.
- Keep accurate records: Original documentation is considered the best evidence in legal proceedings. Keep records of all financial transactions, communications with your spouse and anything else that might be relevant to your case. Try to communicate with your spouse in writing as much as possible.
- Prioritize communication: Clear, transparent, respectful communication may help counter many manipulative tactics, especially if the communication is written. If interacting with your spouse is challenging, consider mediated communication through a legal representative or a neutral third party.
- Secure your privacy: Change passwords on all important accounts, lock up personal documents and consider closing down social media accounts.
- Maintain your integrity: Resist the temptation to retaliate with similar tactics and sully your own good name. In the long term, it’s more important to conduct yourself in a manner that aligns with your values and maintains your credibility.
- Seek professional support: Therapists or divorce coaches may provide the emotional support and practical guidance you need to stay above nasty tricks. They may also help you sort through your emotions and make clear decisions.
- Report concerns to the court: If your spouse’s tactics cross legal boundaries or significantly interfere with the divorce process, report the issues to your attorney, the court or local police.
When to speak with an attorney
Even if you’re familiar with your spouse’s sneaky tactics, you may want to speak with an experienced attorney. They may help you understand why your spouse is behaving as they are and how that could impact your divorce. From there, they can advise on how to proceed to protect your rights and safety. They can hold your spouse accountable and work to ensure you and your children get a fair outcome from the divorce proceedings.
Sofie is a writer. She lives in Brooklyn.
