For some people, divorce brings to mind fighting spouses who can’t stand each other. These situations often require each partner to hire an attorney to present their case in front of a judge in a courtroom. And even then, things can become emotional.

But not every divorce goes this way. Some couples have an amicable divorce—one where they’re able to work together and come to terms they both agree with. 

This may seem like something that only happens in Hallmark movies, so let’s discuss what an amicable divorce looks like. We’ll also cover the benefits of this kind of approach to separation and tips for making one work. Then you’ll have a better idea whether an amicable divorce may be a possibility for you.

What is an amicable divorce?

An amicable divorce is one where both spouses agree about the terms of their divorce, including child custody, alimony, the division of property and everything else that must be divided. This kind of divorce is also called an uncontested divorce. 

In an amicable divorce, rather than a judge deciding the terms of the divorce, the spouses jointly create a divorce settlement agreement outlining the issues. Then they submit their agreement to the court so a judge can review it and determine if it’s fair and just.

The spouses may choose to work just the two of them to reach an agreement. Or they may choose to use mediation, arbitration or collaborative divorce. 

• Mediation is a legal process where the spouses hire a neutral mediator (someone trained in family therapy and contracts law). This person helps them respectfully discuss their individual wants and work out their disagreements.

• Arbitration is similar to mediation, in that the spouses hire a neutral arbitrator. However, in this case, the arbitrator hears both sides and then, like a judge, makes a final determination on the specific divorce terms.

• Collaborative divorce is where both spouses hire lawyers. Each party provides their lawyer with all the information they need to fight for their desired divorce terms. Then the lawyers and spouses meet outside of court to negotiate. Once all terms of the divorce are determined, the lawyers draw up a settlement agreement for the spouses to sign.

The alternative to amicable divorce is a contested divorce. This occurs when spouses are unable to agree on the terms of their divorce. This typically results in a trial and, often, animosity between spouses. A contested divorce process may ultimately take longer and cost more than an amicable divorce.

Benefits of an amicable divorce

Choosing an amicable divorce may have benefits for your mental health, your children and your bank account.

Less emotionally taxing

Amicable divorce may be easier for spouses from an emotional standpoint. There’s often (but not always) less fighting involved, and fighting can be exhausting, painful and lead to lasting animosity. 

Since the spouses work together, there may be more of a sense of camaraderie and fairness during the divorce process. The ability to speak freely and peacefully with a soon-to-be ex can allow for less confusion and anger, and give both parties a chance at achieving a settlement agreement that works for each of them. This may ultimately help them be able to maintain a friendly relationship post-divorce.

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Better for any children

When divorcing parents get along, it can benefit their children. 

For example, spouses who divorce amicably may be more likely to seek joint custody because they’ve maintained a level of respect for each other as parents. Joint custody is often better for the children of a divorce because the kids are able to nurture their relationships with both parents.

Another benefit is that parents engaged in amicable divorce may be less inclined to talk badly about each other in front of their children. This can allow shared children to maintain a close relationship with both parents, rather than feeling that they must side with one or the other.

Saves money

The cost of your divorce is directly tied to how long the process takes, in part because attorneys typically charge by the hour. Spouses don’t need a lawyer for an amicable divorce. But if they decide to work with one, it most often costs less than hiring an attorney for a contested divorce since amicable divorces are often less time-consuming. 

Tips for an amicable divorce

Divorce requires a lot of difficult conversations. You may want to consider the following suggestions to try to keep things amicable with your spouse.

Focus on what matters

Don’t lose sight of what’s most important to you. That might be maintaining a friendly relationship with your spouse post-divorce, making the divorce process as easy as possible for your children or staying within a certain divorce budget. Everyone’s values are different. 

Remind yourself of your values in difficult moments, and let those guide you during conversations. Then accept compromise on what’s not as important to you.

Be polite to your spouse

Even if your divorce is amicable, you’re not going to be on the same page as your spouse 100% of the time. There will be differences of opinions, conflicting wants and points of tension. 

The most important aspect of achieving an amicable divorce is maintaining your composure in moments of conflict. Try not to name-call or say anything that you might regret later. Ask for a divorce peacefully, and be polite, even if you’re angry. This can help facilitate healthy communication so that you can work through your differences and reach a divorce settlement agreement—and avoid going to trial.

Know your priorities

Have a clear sense of which terms you aren’t willing to budge on and which ones you might be able to compromise on. Maybe you feel strongly that you’d like the house, and while you’d also like to keep half of your retirement fund, the house is more important. 

Consider ranking the various terms so you can be clear about your priorities. And remember that things may not end up being split 50/50 in the end. But it should be an equitable division—and one you can live with for the rest of your life.

Take care of yourself

Self-care is always important, but it’s especially so during divorce. 

Think about what you need to do to maintain a healthy mental state. That might mean taking a walk each day or finding a support team of friends or other people who’ve divorced. Whatever it is, commit yourself to doing it. Going through a divorce is a trying process, and self-care may help you stick to your goal of an amicable divorce because it may help reduce your stress.

How lawyers can help in an amicable divorce

Though amicable divorces are more simple than contested divorces, you may still want to work with a lawyer. 

Why? An attorney can walk you through the terms of your divorce with your best interest in mind. They can offer support as you decide which terms are most important to you, which you can compromise on and what sort of compromise makes sense to offer your spouse. A lawyer can also guide you through any difficult moments and frustrations that may arise.